PMS or just edgy?

There are days when I feel wrong.
I wake up with an empty feeling in my... stomach? head? heart? all of the previous actually.
I do the things that I should be doing and yet feel as if I'm getting no where.
I look around me and seem unable to interact properly with anything or anybody.
I go online and see my friends there on MSN or AIM and log on , search my suddenly empty brain for something/anything to talk to them about, and log off again as I can't find a single thing to say.
Even to the people that I wanted to talk to so urgently a second earlier.

So what do i do?

I escape into a book.

I escape into other peoples lives.

So that i can ignore my own.

Maybe one day soon I'll be able to deal with my own life enough so that I dont have to escape anymore.

A week off work.

I actually got around to taking some time off.

About time too.

Not that I've been dossing about doing nothing.

I went to the design museum to see the Vision Aid Overseas chandeliers



and the Alan Fletcher work, and fell in love with this little sweetie

evening haiku

Night; and once again,
the while I wait for you, cold wind
turns into rain.

Shiki, Masaoka. (1867-1902).

A dead chrysanthemum
and yet - isn't there still something
remaining in it?

Takahama, Kyoshi

Christmas

I had to do the christmas window for work because the person who normally does it is off.
Its not bad, but I've done beter.
Still its about 6 or more years since i've had to so i'm not going to beat myself up about it too much.

In other news, I'm off to see my mum on wednesday so expect more Photos.

Postsecret

Every Sunday there are some things that I ALWAYS do.
One of them is check out the new post on the Postsecret site.

And every week i wish I could go and see one of the exhibitons that they have been touring the US with.

So today I'm bouncing at the fact that as of Monday it will be hosted at Foyles in Charing Cross Road.

Guess where I'll be going on Wednesday.
:D

Sunday mornings are the best.v2.

I was going to make roast lamb for lunch today, but somehow the lamb turned out to be pork.
Yeah...it sort of freaked me too.
All I can put it down to is the fact that it was one of the 'emergency' joints that I have in the freezer and when its wrapped and then frozen its hard to tell.
I mean..it was the right shape for lamb....

So I'm just waiting for it to finish cooking before I stick the potato's on and do the rest of the veggie bits.
It smells gorgeous though.
*drool*

Anyway, here I am in the living room, watching some weird Disney cinderella themed movie with Jo, catching up on postsecret and stuff.

And thinking.

OH NO!!! She's not thinking again*eek*

Yes.
Yes I am.

I'm thinking about relationships mainly.
And pubs.

Weird combination?

Well, actually , no.

I think its because Pubs played such a big part in my bringing up, and so many of my memories [ good and bad ] are tied up with them.
And because after 10 years of being with Dave I've actually found a pub that I enjoy being in with him.
One that I'm perfectly comfortable spending time in on my own.
And one thats letting us spend time together in, doing all the things that we really ought to have done when we first met.

That's been one of the big problems in our relationship.
The fact that we met , I got pregnant, and we moved from not knowing much about each other to being in a heavy relationship almost immediately.
Ok, he didn't move in for a couple of years, but we both acted as if it was a pretty final relationship almost as soon as I told him that he was going to be a father.
At the time we were trying to keep things as light as we could but looking back i don't think we manged that very well.
i suppose when both of you are committed to bringing up a child together its hard to maintain that light touch.

However, here we are 10 years on, having dealt with a load of rubbish and I'm sure having still some more to deal with, but at a reasonably positive place in our lives.

And lo and behold, the local dive has been closed and down re-opened under new management and completely turned round in the space of 6 months.
And i really like the landlord and landlady.
And I'm getting better at pool because I'm actually playing.
Duh..yes I know ok...
But more to the point Dave and I have been out together just to have fun and hang out more than we have since we first met.
And its like we're dating .
I'd say dating again, but as I said before, we really didn't date at all when we met, so I guess plain old 'dating' covers it.
And I'm pretty happy about it.

In other news:-
I got to see one of my fave guys on wednesday and catch up with stuff .
Its been over a year since I last saw him and I'd forgotten just how easy to be with and daft he is.
Plus I got a mini tutorial on photoshopping and discovered that the reason i was having so much of a problem was because i was doing one tiny thing wrong.
So now I can go and sort out all the little things that need tweaking, and hopefully get to be more confident with all of that stuff too.

Christ, i have so much more stuff that i wanted to put in here, but i have to go and do some 'real' work so it'll just have to wait.

Moved and stuff

Well, as far as I can tell this is the new house.

I say that because I forgot to keep the agents photos and had to find these on the trusty internet from another agent, but all the details match , so although its showing the place from another angle, I'm 99% sure that this is where my Mum has moved to.

She rang me yesterdday, and sounded excited and happy, even though they'd spent their first night on the floor after a journey that got them in at past one AM.

They Did leave the ancient and dreadful bedroom furniture behind in the end, after a mishap resulting in the smashing of the door mirror, but the new people are going to stick it on the park bonfire so that was all cool.

I'm going to miss that.
The whole bonfire/soup/hotdogs/guy competition thing, surrounded by all the other people who's houses back on to the park, but i can imagine how excited the new family will be to do all of that for the first time, and i can let it go .

I need to sort out when I can go over and see them, but the 4 hour drive means it will probably have to be an overnighter.

*************************************************************

In other news, its Diwali time again, and my friend has come through once again with some gorgeous Diwali food at work.
OK, it her mum who does the honours, and we are very grateful that she does, but its her that brings it all in for us, so smooches go in her direction for all the goodies too.

Want to have a look at what she brought us?

Here......





Looks gorgeous doesn't it?
And it tastes even better than it looks.
;)

new beginings

I'm sort of suprised by how attatched i feel to this house.
I mean its not the only house I'd lived in with my parents, and I've not lived there for ages, but now that its not going to be my Mum's home anymore I find myself missing it.



The fact that I won't be able to see this view again for instance.
Totally stupid.

And the fact that I need to delete the phone number from my phone.
And learn a new one.

Change.
Who'd have guessed that it would make me feel so unsettled.

busy busy busy

I'm switching between thumpety-thumpety-headachy and bouncy-bouncy-excited this morning.
The TTH is due to drinking too much of this


The fact that Dave is hoovering upstairs and my next door neighbours arguing over who exactly spoilt his birthday party /left first/got more drunk/said what to whom isn't making it better.

Thr BBE is because i went to this


And because ive booked to get some more work done by this guy.


His work is to quote himself..."a mix of cubism, art deco and classical art"

So I'll have to wait a year before i can have it done, but it'll be completely worth the wait.

* bounces *

and another sunday rolls around...

....seemingly without a gap from the last one.
Well, i guess that I may have been in a bit of a time warp given that shortly after I wrote the last entry Dave came home looking a bit strange and proceeded to throw up violently till about 2 in the morning, followed by me and Jo [ thankfully not with the same violence ] and meaning that I was off work for a day , he was off work for a week, and Jo kept him company because she came down with a horrible cold and cough.
Altogether I've slept far more than normal and its crapped out my body clock.
It wasn't helped by the fact that having gone back to work i was then off for a day, in for one and then off for 2.
The 2 off had been planned for a while because I wanted to go and see Mogwai , although given my luck with gigs lately I was worried that yet again something wold come up to stop it happening.

For once though everything went smoothly and i had the most fantastic time.
Awesome doesn't come near.
:D

Then I took advantage of the fact that Dave was still off and stayed out longer than i intended to.
But It did involve having a good lunch and hitting Montezuma's for the most wonderful chocolate.

Sometimes i regret not staying in london so much.
I know thats a purely selfish thing for me to feel.
The girls have a much better childhood by living in Kent.
But i miss so many things.
I miss the markets and the range of shops, i miss the 'feel' of central london, the galleries and the cafe's and the general eclectic mix of the place.
I miss the people.
Even the irritating ones.

And most of all I miss the freedom.

Sunday mornings are the best.

Ah, don't you just love lazy sunday mornings?

When you're left alone to pootle around doing nothing particular except listen to your itunes and surf.
Obviously here I'm talking about the net when I say surf,













since I'm very much of the 'sit on the beach and admire the mad guys/girls who get out there and do it while briefly toying with the idea of having a go before rapidly discarding the idiotic notion ' persuasion.

















I regularly wish that wasn't the case, but since i absolutely LOVE lying on a beach , feeling the heat spread across my skin as
its washed with a salted breeze.















Sigh.

Its one of the things that I miss since i had children.
Not the beach..we go when we have time.
No, i miss the being able to shut out the world as I lay there.
Thats something that you just don't get to do when you have children.
You always need to know where they are, without being too obvious .
so I've missed the whole lay there and read, or snooze, or stick the headphones in and veg.

In fact sunday mornings have taken their place a little.
They are that little bit of ME space that I can rely on.

:D

A somewhat belated update

I think I'm a sure case for senile dementia when I get older.
Yesterday I got in to work and realised as i looked at all the cars packed into our tiny car park that i may have made a mistake somewhere, a thought which was confirmed when I strolled in to see my cover walk past.
Yup, I had gone into work on my day off.
And its not the first time either.

I'm putting it down to the fact that I was still tired from the weekend.

I went up to Harrogate for Emily's wedding.
It was glorious, She was glorious, the Venue was glorious.
The drive there and back was less glorious.
And i will draw a veil over my inability to follow directions when dropping friends off in London.

I also went to my God daughters 21'st birthday party.
No...not on the same weekend...I would have totally flaked if I'd had to do them both on the same weekend.
:D
It was a fancy dress party, and I had fun making the costumes, and less fun wearing mine, but millions of laughs seeing everyone in theirs.



The guy in the middle was such a cute tease, and a complete sweetie.
How come I never met guys like him when i was single and young enough to enjoy them ;D

What else ?....
Oh, I got to play with fire extinguishers today, and pulled the most disgusting masss of hair from my showers plughole.
The first was fun.
The second was gross, and has resulted in a stern talking to for both of my girlies about not letting masses of hair get in there when they shower.
I mean, Dave is very nearly bald, my hair is short , but jo has shoulder length hair while emma's is down to the middle of her back, so the chances are its them shedding madly that caused the blockage.
So now they have to brush before they get in and clear the plug when they get out and I hope it wont get like that again.

and the results are in!

2 A's, 2 B's, 6 C's and a D [ in PE ] [ so we don't care ]
:D

I am the proud parent of a happy girl.
OK, so she was hoping for a bit better result in a couple of her subjects, but I think its no bad thing to be a little dissappointed in your GCSE's if you're going to go on to do A levels....it just helps you to knuckle down and study.

its nailbiting....

Waiting for the phone call to tell me how Emma has done on her GCSE's.

I'm an aunty again

*love*

Hot .

Yup, it is.

I've been sitting in the park watching my littlest girlie learn to ride her bike.
She's just gone up to a bigger size and seh was a bit wobbly to begin with, but she's doing fine, so once she's got over her crashing stage we'll get her a new one, but for now she's happily on her big sisters old one.

It was fun just sitting on a blanket watching families walk/ride/skate past for once smiling and passing pleasant comments on what's going on around them.

We ought to do it more often.

It didn't do much for my peace of mind to read this article though....http://news.independent.co.uk/environment/article1191932.ece

Blair and Bush. When will they learn to check that the microphone is off BEFORE they talk.

This would be funny if it wasn't so serious

sigh.

And where the hell did Tony Blair get such a long tie from?

Hen Nights.

What the hell has happened to Hen nights since I got married?????

Ok, so its a while ago.
1981 to be exact.
But i DID have one.
And it DID involve clubbing and having fun.

But when did all this

and this


happen?

I'm going to one on saturday and have been given instructions from the brides sister to ' bring something small stupid and embarrassing' to pin to the bride to be so that she'll feel, well, small, stupid and embarrassed aparently.
:S

I get the dressing up thing.
But making her feel stupid and embarrased?
What are they?
Friends or enemies?

Maybe its a generation thing.
I was also going to go on later with the rest of the [younger]girls to a club which according to the same sister was a 70's themed one where in order to get in you had to go in costume.
I thought ..fine..i can do that, i mean the 70's covers everything from mini /midi/maxi skirts to punk.
And then i thought about it somemore, did a little investigating and discovered that the place they were talking about was here http://www.carwash.co.uk/
And the dress code is this


Not exactly what I was expecting.
:D

Now i can do fetish ok..i mean give me a corset and some big heels and you're nearly there, but I'm not stupid, and thats exactly how I'd look if i tried to match those ensembles.

So i'm begging off after the meal and trotting off to do things that atually make me feel good and not stupid.

Thinking while watching CSI

It's amazing what goes through your mind while you watch TV.
Human nature is a strange and sad thing.

I often have difficulty telling people things that I think or know that they won't like, and i feel that I'm less of a person for not biting the bullet and actually speaking out.

A couple of things have happened recently that have made me think more about this.
Some have affected friends of mine, some family, and some people that i know but who I'm not close to.
And the thing that has connected all of them is the fact that in each case a person has acted in such a way as to try and make other people put pressure on someone else in order to make their lives easier or to make themselves feel less culpable for whatever has happened.

And its something that I don't understand.

I don't understand when people use their children as pawns to get back at their ex spouse/partner.
Even when things were at their worst with my ex husband i would never have dreamed of slagging him off to my daughter or stopping him seeing her.
Whatever had happened between us didn't change the fact that she was his daughter and that they love each other.
As she's got older i have explained more about why we didn't stay married, but I've always tried to be fair and balanced.
And as she's grown up its helped her to accept her father for a whole person, and to understand some things that happened around her when she was with her father and his family .

I don't understand it when someone thinks that their ex partner owes them anything when a relationship breaks up.
No matter how horrible a break up is, there must have been something that held them together, and hopefully that includes a sense of respect for each other, so if something ends it ends.
There's nothing that can change that.

I don't understand it when someone uses their standing within a group to try and exclude a newer member of that group for personal reasons.
It leaves a nasty taste in my mouth .
If a group is public then its public, and it means that there may be members who don't get on in it.
Hopefully if they are adults they can agree to dissagree.
So i don't understand why someone would actively ask other members of that group to get them banned.

And mostly i don't understand why i didn't say anything.

weekend stuff

Its been hot and sweaty today.
All weekend actually.
And a weekend of really looking at what goes on around me.

SATURDAY
I went up to town on saturday after work, stopping off at my mums on the way for a change, and getting there just as Marek and her were discussing the survey results of the new palce that they were buying.
i stopped for a cup of tea and a quick chat but i don't feel as comfortable there as i used to.
Its not that I'm not made to feel welcome, but I sometimes feel like i'm intruding a little.
Then off to London for a non-specific mind emptying trip.

I like going up and doing more or less nothing as much as I enjoy going and visiting the galleries etc.
I find it calming to sit with a cup of tea and watch what's going on around me.

On saturday what was going on around me was the England game and Gay Pride.
A volatile mix :D

I've rarely seen so many fit muscular guys in one place.

Apart from some pissed fans i had no hassle but the sound of the police sirens in the rather too near distance made it clear that it wasn't like that everywhere.

On the way home I got to talk to mum about the serious money implications of the sale and now feel much happier that she won't be left in the lurch should something go wrong between the 2 of them.
Of course ,as per usual it meant that i didn't leave her place till past 10.30 so by the time i got home it was nearly midnight, and jo was again asleep.

I feel bad that when i take space for myself she misses out on time with me.
At least this time her dad was able to take her out to her school fete rather than her having to stay longer round her nans, so she had fun, but still.....

SUNDAY

Sticky sticky sticky.
Its days like this that I wish we were closer to the coast.
Most of the day was spent sitting in the garden.
Jo [ having got told off for squirting everybody with her waterpistol and soaked my newspaper ] sat with her feet in her wastepaper bin which she'd filled with water and handwash liquid.
Dave sat with his foot up and managed to get through about 6 botles of kronenbourg while he read his newspaper.
Emma regaled us with the run down on how her great grandma had coped with the birthday lunch at a chinese restaurant that her dad had organised.
And me....
Well i read my paper [and was suprised to find a piece in there about postsecret ]and sat and thought.

Oh and i weighed myself again.
And I've lost 6lbs.

Now i don't know whether to leave that little bit of information in this blog.....
.....but you know, if I don't acnowledge that i NEED to lose it and that I am CONSCIOUSLY doing something about it then i allow myself to drift back into the same old habits that got me in this situation in the first place.

16th Birthday :D

I'm sitting here with the BIGGEST grin after Em's 16th birthday party.
I'm also exhausted and surrounded by debris, but I guess thats the sign of a good party.
:D
Its brought back some old memories for me too, especially the "oh my god, Dom HUGGED me" comments, the mass exodus to the toilets/bar/food , the hanging over the fence to try and retrieve some lost sunnies, the multiple bodies strewn around the living room the next morning....
Ok, so i also have enough food to feed the whole street, and enough booze for at least a couple more parties, but hey, that goes without saying doesnt it.

In other news, Dave's still not back on his feet, so Death Cab For Cutie at Brixton tomorrow is out of the question.
I don't think I'll do the clubbing bit of the hen night in july , but i might go to the 21st that needs fancydress.
Thats not till august, so I'll have enough time to find something suitable to wear.
*goes off to research some suitably silly and yet not completely twattish costume*

Christ, is that the time?

As was pointed out to me recently its been ages since I've updated, and since the main reason has been lack of time I've probably forgotten most of what I've been doing to make me have no spare time in the first place, but since I hate those 'will update soon' kind of updates I'll do my best to run it down in brief.

Most recently I had a not quite suprise chat with my mum regarding her selling up and moving to the west country, followed by a weekend trip by her and Marek to look around , followed immediately by them putting in an offer on a property , putting hers on sale, getting an immediate ofer and planning to move to Exmoor in the next 10 weeks.
I'm equally glad for her/them and sad that I've only had her around and able to do mum/daugher stuff for a few years.

Em has sat her GCSE's with all the attendant stress and strain.

I seem to be working late on a regular basis just to keep things under control.

Dave has a new job that means he's up at 3.30 which has taken some adjusting to as he used to do an afternnon to early morning shift.

One of my friends mum's died suddenly with no reason, and has brought it to the fore that my mums side of the family doesn't seem to be that long lived.

The garden is nearly finished, though it has recently involved me being outside painting one of the plastered walls at 11.00pm twice.

I got bitten my some unknown bug and my leg came up with a big hard area the size of my outstretched hand and a red itchy patch that ran from my groin to my knee, but its now down to a hard area about an inch round thank god.

I bought some new glass plugs for my ears and discovered that they are easilly 6mm now, so i'm working on getting them up to 8 and then I'll decide how much bigger I want them to go.

I have the bug for more ink, but I need to decide where and what.
Especially after some twat of a meter reader came up from our cellar at work, saw me with my back to him as I was working said 'nice tattoo''how far down does it go' and yanked my jumper out so he could see.
Its the first time anyone has done that to me.
It felt pretty bad.
I'm just glad the door was open and when I pulled forwards and the other staff looked over he had the grace to look embarrassed.
What makes people think they have the right to move your clothes to see something just because its a tattoo?

And now I'm off to watch the football with dave.
Unless I fall asleep ;D

garden update

As those of you who know me already know, my garden has been in a state of dissaray for a while now, but its finally starting to get there.

OK, so it has been rather forced since emma wants her party in the garden, and the thought of a load of 16 year olds doing battle with the triffid, bramble, trip hazard and general jungle flora that erupts at regular intervals out there was giving me the willies, but nevertheless, at last, ITS GETTING THERE.

Its my day off today, and its dry, warm and good gardening weather, so I've been out there for the last couple of hours clearing, burning and digging.

I've already broken the fork....testimony I'm sure you'll agree to the sheer superhuman effort that I was putting into it [ and nothing at all to the fact that one of the tines was bent and might have been a bit on the dicky side ]
But I've dug over about 3m[sq] down the bit thats going to be planted with some big architectural tropical type triffids of my own, [ having decided that since I can't do anything about next doors giant I might as well use it to set off some things that I actually like ]

so i'm putting these in.




And some more stuff that will make a screen to seperate the 2 halves of the garden.

Change

I'm frankly a little nervous of posting this, if only because as soon as i tell someone that I'm going to do something I generally then promptly do an about face and do the exact opposite, but there is no avoiding it.
If i am to feel happy in myself then I have to change.
Slowly and steadily the person that is inside my head has become rather different from the flesh surrounding it.
I feel like the old man who told his son that he is still the 12 year old with a pet skunk [in his head] not the 65 year old with arthritis that his body told him he was.

The camera never lies.

and I'm seriously not happy with some photos of me that got taken last night.

I know that I haven't got the spare time that i used to have to change loads of things in my life, but I can and will change some.

Thats as much as I'm going to say incase i jinx myself, but I feel like I have made a mental switch today and i hope that tomorrow I will feel the same way.

Hang on....

This week has been amazing so far .
The sun is out.
Dave has a new job [ and more to the point its the one he wanted ]
I had the most excellent day off in Soho which included sitting in the sun drinking wine and talking to people and having a generally wonderful day.
I've got a bonus at work!
My mum is coming over to take me to lunch as a surprise.
And a friend sent me this which had me grinning.

Oh, and if you have any idea for how to make the filling for a pimped chocolate bourbon then please feel free to leave suggestions.
Personally I think they should go for the pimped jafa cake, but its already been done, and her daughter wants a selection of pimped biscuits for her 21st.

Oh Oh Oh..and how should I decorate the garden for Emma's 16th?
I'm going brain dead and she keeps going off on complete flights of fancy when i ask her .... by which i mean it would cost thousands to do what she wants.
So any ideas for fun 16th birthday styleee will also be greatly appreciated.
:D


:D

Olive has new shoes

And has had her tracking sorted too, so now i can zoom about without feeling like I'm gripping a pneumatic drill.
Plus i bought her an itrip so that i can listen to something other than crapy radio stations while doing said zooming without having to carry loads od cd's.
I only keep copies in the car anyway so that if someone horrible ran away with them I'd still have m y originals, but even so its a pain.

I also bought 'switching to the mac' so i can stop bothering my friends with silly questions ..... or as it was put ' so that i don't have to tell you one day, and then tell you again the next, and the next......' :D

and i saw A season for the dead by David Hewson in waterstones, which is the first in the series that a sacred cut is part of, so i got that too.

I didn't have any luck finding the jacket that i wanted though...they had it, but only in sizes that would fit a baby :( so I guess I'll just have to lug my coat around till its warm enough to be sure that i won't freeze on the station on the way home.

And now, I'm going to finish my tea and tootle off to cyber candy for goodies for the girls, and make my way home

Tickets! and bouncing:D

Much bouncing around the room happened yesterday for some very good reasons.
Dr Who , thanks to jo who reminded that me it was on and set the sky thing to reming us. :D
Green Wing , which i missed on friday and had to spend the day at work walking away to avoid listening to everybody going over all the funny bits...which basically means ALL of it :D
Richard Ashcroft, well, ok not in the flesh, but the tickets got dropped off :D

Of course this then prompted the question this morning of who was going to look after Jo when we go....
and of course I'd totally forgotten to add this into the equation.
So now I'd better ask my mum nicely if she'll have her for the evening.

Todays bouncing has already started due to Dave getting up earlyish with an upset tum and hence me also being up earlyish, checking out the gig listings at brixton academy while i was looking for directions of how to get there and ending up booking tickets for Death Cab For cutie too.
Bounce Bounce Bounce
:D :D :D

Oh, and if you watched it, did anyone else find it sightly surreal that they cast Pauline collins as Queen Victoria?

elderberry and damson

Damn, damn and double bugger.
I've just taken a walk down to the very end of the garden to get a closer look at what has actually been done to my trees.
they were supposed to be tidied up and an overgrown elderberry cut down .

*Note to self*
Never, Ever leave workmen to work unsupervised.
Ever.
At All.
Not even for a second.

And what do you think i found?

A missing Damson, which they were supposed to prune gently so that it would start to bear fruit more prolifically.
and a flowering [ if rather hacked about ] elderberry.

I could have cried.

So i think they are all going to have to come out, and I'll start again.

Hmmmmmmmm.......
I was going to draw a little plan of how it will look in the end, but I can't find the equivalent of 'paint' on my mac.
Now it's quite possible that its me.
Especially since I got moaned at recently for asking the same question about how i did things on here too many times.
*hangs head in shame*
But I really HAVE looked this time, and i can't find it.

So.....lets see if i can paint a mental picture.

Behind the new patio, running to the very end of the garden, is a space that was full of brambles and big river stones [all buried and we have no idea why they were there] and a mish mash of overgrown shrubs and leggy trees.
its about 15' by 20' and at the moment had earth piled up in a hump down the middle so it arches upalong the longest length of it.

What we want to do is level the earth, cover it with a thick layer of gravel, put some stepping stone type slabs in the central section, running from the steps that come from the new patio to about 3' from the back [ really just so i have somewhere stable to stand while i prune the stuff that's going in.
In the rectangular area surrounding the centre I want to plant some medium sized shrubs, probably with a holly and something else suitably spiky at the back where the fence opens out onto the garages behind, and a flowering cherry or a magnolia and an apple tree.
If I chose them properly even when they are fully grown there will be enough space for both of them.
Then I'll put some low lighting down there, and a semi hidden bench,and just keep it as a quiet secluded part of the garden for me to sit and read in.

That will leave the new patio for sunbathing / playing netball on.
The bit up from that with the big pampas grasses/a dwarf willow /a mock orange [philadelphus] /some honeysuckle /a couple of cordyline/a potentilla/ and some incidental bits and pieces.
All of which should be big enough to screen the view of the house from the lower patio and vice versa.

Then finally the lawn and the small patio up by the house.

Its a long thin garden.

But it's MY long thin garden, and i can see how i want it to be in my head.

fur coats , stiletto's, orange people and queues

Yup, all of the above were things that we saw on our weekend away at Alton Towers.
I don't have the energy right now to go into why people were wearing full length fur coats and stilettos to a theme park, and it would all be speculation anyway, but the orange people were scary.
I sort of hope it was fake tan, but somehow i doubt it.
Lets just say that on a chilly drizzly english easter sunday I didn't expect to be confronted with bare middles, low tops, corsets, 5 inch heels and spray painted faces .

Do you know what?

today i am mainly feeling lethargic.

well it makes me feel better

This article has just confirmed something that has been bothering me for the last couple of years.

It's something that has happened on a regular basis ever since I breast fed, and has ranged from a clear straw coloured fluid to dark green at times, and i admit, the dark green has worried me somewhat.
Especially since, having got up the courage to get it checked, I came up against an overworked cow of a doctor who barked that 'green means its old blood' after ultrasounding my boobs, as if this explains it and makes it all ok.
And I admit, the words didn't sink in till I was out of the hospital, I just heard the inference that it was all ok from her exasperated tone of voice.

But it has worried me.

And I have thought about getting checked again.

At least now i know WHY she seemed to think that it was all normal.
Underactive thyroid added to the whole post breastfeeding thing add up to a high likelyhood of a discharge, and at the same time the reassurance that the ultrasound would have picked up any of the nasties the article talks about.

and I feel a whole lot happier.

drooling

I bought the biba book on my last shopping trip to waterstones.
*heart*

Pixar and stuff

Yesterday I got to do loads of stuff that I like doing.
I got to see the Pixar exhibition at the Science Museum.

I got to drink tea and talk to one of my fave people.
In one of my fave places.

I bought lots of sweetie type goodies for my girlies [ and for me ].

I stuffed my face with loads of meaty goodness at one of my fave restaurants.

I bought a shirt from M+S.

I saw a woman on an old pushbike cycling through Soho singing an aria at the top of her voice.

And perched in an apparently random fashion on the edge of a blockbrick warehouse, a beautiful piece of old church architecture with a large stained glass window.

I really must take time to take the photos that I've logged in my head sometimes as I travel .
There's a view from waterloo east station across the roofs and chimneypots that sit level with the platform, a twisted silhouette, black and ivory of 2 trees that is just glorious in a field on my way to work, at least 2 hidden gates going no-where, just relics of old walkways long disused and so much more.
Things that I pass by and see, unable to stop as I drive or rattle inside a railway cariage.
I wonder if that lone foxglove will show again this year?
And I wonder if THIS time I'll get to capture it.

busy day off

I spent today trotting around from one place to another.

The guy who was supposed to be turning up to do the last bit of plastering didn't.

I went over to see one of my old friends.
I met her over 24 years ago when i first started in my job, and we've fallen out of friendship a couple of times over the years, got back together, supported each other through bad times, got pissed together, had good times, lost touch and got back.
But every time I go and see her its as if there has been no time between visits.

She has another dog since I last saw her, a big black rottie, as daft as a brush and very placid, with only one eye .
He's a rescue dog, having lost the eye when he was used for dogfighting.
you wouldn't know from his nature, but her husband said although he's be fine with most of the people he's been introduced to he had a problem with an electrician who came in to do some work wearing a three-quarter length leather jacket.
I assume it was a look that he associated with his past life.
It's so sad.

Then i shot over to my mum's.
It was supposed to be a quick visit.
They always are.
:D
And they never seem to be that way.
This time we got sidetracked by what she'd been doing with the house,what she was going to do to the house.
She'd found some of my old LP's too, and amongst them was a copy of through the past darkly in its original octagonal cover, but in SUCH a bad state.
I suppose nothing else could be expected given how much play it got and how many parties it got taken to.

Happy times after that when i had tea and silliness in the coffee shop, though i was pissed that i hadn't got there earlier so i could have spent more time with everybody, but i treated myself to pocky and reeses pieces at cybercandy and soon felt happier.

Then back to mums to collect said album and supposedly to leave straight away.
So an hour later i'm still there.
:D

see what sugar highs do to you...

I got so bored I rejoined an old site.
Well, i had the gift membership, so it had 3 months to prove itsself different, not that i hold out much hope, but i'm going to stay clear of the worst bits and see if the stuff that used to interest me is still there.
if not i will wash my hands happilly, this time making it clear that i'm doing it because i want to, so no-one will buy me another membership.

Audible

Recently I've taken to listening to books on my way to work, and today i've started the Jane Austen Book Club by Karen joy Fowler.
Its strange, i really don't find it all that interesting, but I can't stop listening.
I'm playing spider solitaire while i listen, getting less and less interested with each moment, but unable to turn it off.

I feel jumpy too, but i think thats something to do with the fact that i've just eaten a bag of Marks and Spencers speckled eggs for tea and nothing else.

I think i'll go and take my laptop to bed and do some writing....or maybe not.
I dont know.


actually, this bloodybook is now beginning to really irritate me. so i'm switching it off and i'll leave it for a while.
Maybe I'll listen to The Sacred Cut by David Hewson to change the mood.
Or maybe I'll just veg out.

I meant to do this days ago....

But as per usual i got sidetracked.

However, since emma is now warbling away in her room, and i seem to be being left to my own devices for a while......

I read Alex' version of this and thought I'd drive you to the brink of boredom with my own.

1. whats the one character in a book movie or television who reminds you of yourself and why?
I guess the one that always springs to mind is Rizzo in Grease, mainly because i always associate my teenage self with the character singing THAT song.
:D

2. If you could have any superpower what would it be?
It would have to be the ability to shapechange.

3.What kind of person do you find yourself romantically attracted to ?
Its almost always those goodlooking guys who know that they are gorgeous, but who have enough of a sense of humour to be able to take the piss out of themselves.
Physically, there are 2 types, the tall blonde blue eyed norse god type, all muscles and pouty lips and flippy hair, and the small, slim, dark haired manicured types who look great in suits.
but they all have to have good mouths....non of these thin lipped guys , good full lipped smooching heaven types thank you very much.

4.how do you think you've matured over the years?
Crikey, where to start?
I know that what you have is often worth millions of times what might have been.
that you have to accept a persons bad personality traits as well as their good.
that its no good fretting over what you've done. its done.it can't be changed, so get on with living with the consequences.
I don't know that that's maturity, its just experience.
Oh, and i also know that you have to live for now, because it might be over any time.

5.whats the freakiest experience you or a friend have hadinvolving ghosts, ufo's of the paranormal.
Erm....my childminder once made a coffee for an old man she chatted to on the stairs of our house [we often had odd people staying] only to find out that there was no one but her and me and my brothers in the house. and that his description matched the previous owner according to our neighbours.
and a friends house was haunted with a ghost that regularly folded back the covers very neatly on all the beds when the occupants were asleep.

6.whats the one opinion that someone can express that makes you want to bitch slap them.
I don't know..there's not much riles me enough for that.
General predjudice on any level mixed with stupidity?
Though if you want to get me going, tell me I'm lying ....does it every time.

7. which family member do you get along with the least and why?
The eldest of my 2 younger brothers.
He has many good point though, but when he gets off on one, i could slap him easilly.
I have to add that he probably thinks the same about me though :D

8.whats the one guilty pleasure that you indulge in?
Hell, i have loads of pleasures that I indulge in, but none of them make me feel guilty.

9. what ethnicities other than your own have you dated?
God, I had to think about this one, mainly because I don't catagorise people by their etnicity :D
I've been out with a turkish guy, and snogged people of more or less all races, but actually I've 'dated' very few people. its what happens when you're married for 13 years and then get into another serious relationship after only a couple of years of being single and wanting to date.

10. what is one political/social issue you might contribute time/money towards?
political?...nothing springs to mind.
social?...ditto
Iam a bad person i think :(

11. whats one of the most superficial things about you?
I have a deep need to be average.
to fit in.
so i keep quiet if i dont agree with things untill i know people well enough to feel comfortable arguing.
and i like firm arses and muscles.
:D

12. what is one of your best qualities?
Erm....i don't judge.

13. when was the last time you yelled at someone?
let me think..have i shouted at the girls today?
yes, when jo was whinging about gettign dressed.


14. whats the crappiest gift you've ever received/given.
I don't know.
I usually love the stuff i'm given, if only for the sentiment, and i only choose things i like or know that the recipient will love to give as presents.

15. what was the crappiest job you've ever had?
working in a newsagents with a lech of a boss who always groped you when you had to climb up the racking to get the fags stored high up.

16. have you ever stolen anything and if so what?
when i was about 8 my cousins [who were 13] used to nick stuff from the shops in scarborough when we wre on holiday, and i pinched a pair of sunnies, then got scared and put them back.

17. whats your favourite pick up line?
I don't have one, but generally i find if you catch a guys eye, smile and look away, then look back and catch his eye again and smile longer, then they come over and give you THEIR best chat up line :D

18. what should a guy/girl do to pick you up in a bar?
Smile, be nice and talk.

19. what are your opinions about the french?
That they're the same as anybody else.

20. do you think crash should have gotten the best picture?
Ask someone who might have an opinion.

21. why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Do they? i hadn't noticed, but then i normally walk around with blinkers on.

22. whats something that you wish people would automatically know about you?
that i've heard all the jokes about the size of my gazongas so many times its sad.

23. what's one misimpression that you think that people who don't know you have about you?
That i'm sensible.

24.whats your best physical feature [and don't say eyes].
Erm.....the above mentioned gazongas.

25. whats one quality you dislike in other people.
i hate bullies.

26. what are you doing today?
getting neck ache doing this.

27. .....can you tell i'm gettting fed up now?
......... what do you hope to do this weekend.
Gett eh garden dug.
such an exciting life i lead.:D

28. whats one of your fave movie quotes.
oh, hell, its a test now?
my minds gone blank:(
the only think that springs to mind is 'how did you know who i was?'
'from the letters he wrote you'
'I never got any letters'
'he gave them to me to post'
'oh'
from saving grace, when brenda blethyn meets her dead husbands mistress .
oh, and 'you were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off'
but that can hardly count .

christ.
If i'd realised how long that would take i would never have started.

sunday, mothering sunday

Well right on time Mothers day has arrived all over the UK.
And this glorious morning I was greeted by, well, snoring mainly.

Yesterday the girls had there annual Girls Brigade display, which meant that they spent all day at a local church rehearsing and then putting on a selection of funny/silly/excruciatingly awful bits of display for the edification of the local officers/ministers/parents and grandparents.
It always seems to go on for ages, and always includes a selection of hymns that sre far too high for anyone to sing, and some pep talks from the local vicar.

this time they excelled themselves with not one but TWO vicars.
the current rather strange one who always seems to glare at me while pretending to smile if ever i catch his eye [and who my almost mother in law says smells], and the previous one who was all joviality and bluff cheeriness.

Luckilly both of the things that my girls were in were both short and funny [ a sketch based on cant cook wont cook which involved throwing stuff at the audience, a piece very loosly based on singing in the rain complete with brollys but thankfully no water, and a silly thing about what they would do if they weren't in girls brigade which involved some carefully timed squatting and bending to stop a couple of them being sloshed with paintbrushes or slapped.

So basically we were all completely knackered this morning.

Or at least, THEY were.

I was wide awake and twiddling my thumbs waiting for them to get up, since i'm not allowed to get out of bed before they've given me my pressies and coffee and toast.

so i did a couple of sudoku, and then poked Dave to make him get up and wake the girls.

Em bought me a pretty glass bracelet to match the green amber necklace i wear loads, and jo got me the tarantino episode of CSI and the starsky and hutch dvd, so i am feeling pampered and all that stuff.

:D

then of course I had to hit the shops .

And get hold of my mum to say happy mothers day too.

And get hold of Daves mum to do the same.

And cook.

And stuff.

and now I'm being hassled by Emma who has sorted out a load of her clothes that she doesn't want and seems determined that I go through them all with her, even though she can see that I'm busy!!!!!!!!

Heh :D

I've just choked on my tictac
And the reason?

A poster

Advertising books

titled 'swallowing grandma'

:D :D :D

*shakes head*
*shakes with laughter*

In other news

Ive been off today with my littlest girlie, who came home from school early yeasterday with a high temperature and generally feeling low.

The big one has a temp too, and a cough, but she also had 3 mocks today, so she struggled in to school without even a complaint.
Its amazing how much she's grown up in the last few months.

So i have been busy.

I've learnt a load of stuff about the mac [see last post] and i'm gettign more familiar with the lightness of the keys on the keyboard.
Its very touchy feely, and feels positively sexy to type on, but that hasn't improved my typing skills any.
:D

I've gone on an unsuccessful spider hunt for the littlest girlie.

I've wallpapered the newly plastered wall in the dining room.

And re-organised my bedroom.
This is mainly so i can work up here in peace if i want to now that i have the MacBook.
I got my mum to give me the desk/table that my dad used to work on rather than throw it out, and I've moved it so that its in front of the window overlooking the garden, and put the big linen chest against the opposite wall with all the cushions on it so that it can be sat on for the time being, though i need to buy some free standing shelves to go there to put my small stereo and a tv on, but it means that I've decluttered a bit and it looks much better for it.

Oh, before you drop dead with astonishment [ or at least, those of you that know just how much of a hoarder i am ] my idea of decluttering at the moment is moving the stuff onto the top floor landing till i can sort it out.
Now this isn't as bad as it sounds, as most of the stuff is toys/books of jo and em's and it had already been bagged up, but it needs seperating into charity shop/keep/throw.

i also found the bottle of Norman Hartnell 'in love' perfume that my brother found for my birthday which i was worried had been lost during the plastering.
[long story short....my first grown up bottle of perfume emptied by said brother all over bed/very smelly/very expensive/very upset/ talked about everytime our childhood escapades are discussed/ replaced at great expense by said brother 30 years later...awwwwwwwww].

Dave is off in france today getting stuff for emmas party/big household stuff/other stuff thats loads cheaper over there.

And I've just realised I havent made my mums mothers day card yet and i really ought to post it tomorrow if she's going to get it so i'm off to sort out the stuff and make it.

more from the mac

Well, as promised [ by those who know rather more about these things than me ] I am finding my way slowly but surely around my mac.

OK, so maybe not exactly surely.
More like the first time i put on a pair of heels that were really too high, wobbly and with frequent falling off's, but its looking good.

Ish.

The main problem is that I think I know what I'm doing and then i comeup against something and realise i have no idea, not only about how to do it, but how i find out how to do it either.

And when I eventually do, its so bloody obvious that its laughable.

So far i have managed to keep stuff stickied in the dock, and I've downloaded some stuff that i use all the time on my pc , but i keep forgetting how to do the equivalent of right clicking and silly stuff like that.

I have linked up with my phone via bluetooth and loaded up all my phone pics, but now they are sitting in my documents and i cant seem to get them to go to my pictures folder, or the videos to my vid folder or my contacts to.....well, you see how it is.

And I can't seem to get the audioscrobbler to work with my Itunes.

Ah well.....

The Belfry

Well, i suppose I ought to give you a brief[ish] rundown of my gala dinner and going to the races a la 'my fair lady'

We got there eventually, no thanks to my miss reading of the directions and taking a detour both ways up the M6 toll road [very scenic and free of traffic due to the £3.50 each way cost stopping most of the cars actually going on it]and adding about an hour and nearly 100 miles to our journey, before we drove up the rather rambling complex which is The Belfry.

Its a gorgeous place.
Beautifully kept greens, ducks, lakes, bars, nightclubs, and leisure club.

I sat through a rather interesting couple of promo/lecture things.

I'd sent Dave off to check in while i did the lecture thing, so all our stuff was in the room when I got back, though typically not unpacked.
So after hanging and folding etc and a snooze it was off to the gala dinner.

As expected my back caused some comment, mostly good, and i felt great in the dress, so although one of the guys on our table was a complete knob, we had a great time with good food [smoked salmon , lamb,nougat glace,good cheese] copious good wine, and fun entertainment from a young guy called erm....dominic?
Hell, i ought to know his name, he's been on the comedy club and stuff.
I'll look it up later.
And 5 gay guys singing babershop.
most of the dinner was taken up by a double act of 2 of the guests on our table who were fun, and who ended up having a couple of girlies draped round them when we left them at about 2am.
I also have vague memories of some welsh guy attempting to snog me before asking if i had a boyfriend and looking rather peaky when i pointed out a grinning Dave behind him.

A rather shaky morning breakfast followed by a hot long coach trip to Cheltenham didn't bode well, but after a couple of cups of tea, some biscuits and a brisk walk out to the track side in the freezing slightly sleety air I got more into the spirit of it all.
And yes. i drank rather more than i should have.
Rather a lot more.
:D
I got very good at betting on the horse that was going to come in 3rd, and dave got a few winners, but I'm really not into betting.
The day was enjoyable though.

to be continued.

first MAC post

Right.
So I've got it switched on.
I've downloaded stuff.
It doesn't appear to have stayed downloaded.
But i now know how to cut and paste.
sort of.
a bit.

God, i am such a wuss.
:D

Its getting there

But oh. so slowly.

I'm beginning to get my head round how the mac works, and yes, once I discover how it does it IS easier.
Its just so bloody hard not knowing WHY things don't work the first time.

It took me 3/4 hour just to register the bloody thing, because it asked me for other info and then wouldn't accept it when i entered it, and wouldn't go back and let me start again either.

Extreeeeeeeeemly irritating.

However....

Eventually I did get it to the stage when I could actually start to use it.

It says something though that I am at present typing this on my normal pc downstairs.




Oh, and The Belfry was wonderful.
I will fill you in with more on that later.
hopefully on my mac.

Grrrrr

So.....
I have the mac....
But can I use it?
Can i heck.

And you SHALL go to the ball....

Except that I'm sure that cinderella didn't have to rush round in her lunch hour trying to pick up all the little essentials that she suddenly realised she needed.

Its a good job that I really don't care what people think about me [ ignores the fact that there will be a fair amount of networking going on, and you never know when you might need to pick up a contact], and that I'd rather be warm than dressed 'correctly'.

I don't mean about the gala dinner black tie thing.
I'll be fine there.
Its the races.
I've never been , not even to the litle ones at Lingfield , and this is Cheltenham.
But I'm guessing/hoping that if it was anything special they would have told us, so if the Queen can toddle around in an old raincoat and warm boots and headscarf then I guess so can I.

:D

Ok, NOT in a raincoat and headscarf, but in jeans and boots and a warm coat and jumper.
A nice jumper and coat of course.
I'm not stupid.
And something that I won't feel too out of place with during the light luncheon and afternoon tea that will go with it [ pinkys up ]
Ah, hell.
I mean, by that time they will have seen the glory that is my back [ and I mean that only slightly tongue in cheek ] and probably seen me rather tipsy too [ and I hope not completely falling down drunk ], so if they are all barbour and hermes then it really wont matter by then.

Hmmmmmmm.....

I'm now starting to tripple think myself.

Especially since this was suposed to be my bosses jolly.
So I figure that the other attendees will also be owners/partners.

Ah, bugger it.
I'll smile and listen, and ask the right questions, and do a Beau Brummel.
[ie assume if anyone stares its because they are stunned by the sheer glory of my style]

Still.

Wish me luck.
*walks off with head held high and spare knickers in dress purse*

Thank god

Its arrived.

No, not the macbook which was last seen shipping to some interim port or other and at the moment being unwilling to tell me where it is when i log in to find out.

No, something rather MORE important.
[Well, ok, more important for a few days given that I'd be running around like a total nellie trying to find a suitable replacemant if it hadnt arrived in time]

Yes, of course.....its the dress!
Or rather the skirt and bustier.
And it looks gorgeous.
Not a trace of the sausage in sight.
I have a waist.
And boobs.
And it looks elegant, and lovely.

Nothing will make me look like a size 10, but this makes me look and feel good.

The bustier is draped and folded and darted in such a way as to give me support and to stop my boobs from escaping at the least breath from me, and yer it doesn't show any rolls of excess flesh.
The skirt is fitted without being tight and sweeps into a fishtail kick pleat at the back like the one in the picture that i posted a while back.
The fabric is a mid toned brown with a slight sheen and is firm enough to hang without clinging.
And i love it.

Though it is a fraction long, so i may well be rushing around looking for shoes tomorrow.

At the worst i can wear the black and gold 50's platforms under it, as the brown is dark enough, and the gold platform high enough that the black satin of the shoe won't look too bad.

I'm going to wear the pearl necklet, and retrieve my matching bracelet from Em's room so most of the jewelery side of things is sorted too.

*bounces*

I'm starting to get excited.
:D

new hair

new hair

All red and black.
What do you mean you can't see the black?
Oh.
Well, ok, so its not all that clear.
Its black around my hair line, and under the long bit, and in bits all over the short back bits.
Kind of random.

And now I'm off to have it trimmed for wednesdays product launch, and fun time at the races and stuff.

Growing up

The students at my biggest girlies school had to grow up quicker than they wanted to today.

Two of their number were killed in a head on collision with a BMW on a country road last night.

I know that road.
Its a little twisty road running down a steep hill with a 90 degree bend at the bottom, and then through a villiage where there is barely room for 2 small cars to pass.
If you know it, you still have to kep your wits about you and assume that you'll meet something coming the other way that you can't see till the last minute.
And thats in daytime.
At night, its as scary as hell, and often used as a shortcut to avoid the motorway.
and there have been so many accidents there.

Most of thestudents were shaken, all of them stunned, and quite a few found it hard to cope with [ my own daughter amongst them] and went home.

She's rather more quiet than normal even now, hours after she's stopped crying, and keeps coming down to explain to me something that's happened.

One minute she's fine, and the next you can see her thinking about it, and her eyes fill, and then she blinks it away.

Suddenly they have all realised that they aren't invincible.
That they can be hurt.
That sometimes there's nothing that you can do.

And i have the knowledge that it might have been her in that car.

But for the grace of god.......

What was i thinking?????

I tried on the black dress again.
With the hair not done, and the wrong shoes on.
But so i could decide which necklace to wear.

Options:-
1/. Bling. big loud crystal set necklet all white and sparkly.
2/. less bling. siver dainty flower set necklet with matching bracelet and ring.
3/. even less bling. my great grandma's silver and marquesite dainty leaf and drop necklet.
4/. black and beady victorian style choker.
5/. pearl and gold with a central droplet pearl necklet.
5/. classic floating grey freshwater pearl necklet.

So I shouted to Emma to come and tell me what she thought.

And she came in and did that screwy up nose thing that she does when she thinks I'm wearing something that doesn't quite work.

so I asked her to take a pic with my phone.

*whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa*
*grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*

I look like a bloody sausage.

Well, ok, perhaps its not that bad.
But the sheen on the satin shows off every lump that I would rather it hid.
And somehow my waist has dissappeard.

Ah bugger it.
And yes, you know it's coming.....

*SIGH*

At least the skirt and bustier should arrive on tuesday or wednesday, and i hope they'll look better.
Otherwise i will be spending the weekend scouring the shops for something long and suitable.

*stops self reaching for the biscuits*

Bah

Yes, once more I'm in sighing mode.
Sad sighing mode unfortunately.
Feeling unable to say anything because I know that nothing that I say can make any difference or improve things.

I hate it when things don't go well for friends that you wish the world for.

I look around me and I see life crapping on people for no other reason than that it can.

I see my eldest daughter just starting to grow into an adult, and I know that all of this is likely to come to her too, and I wonder if I'll be able to help her when it does, or keep my mouth firmly shut when i can see that things aren't right but that if i say what I see she will not be helped by it.

I know that part of being a parent is to just be there for your child, to comfort them when whatever happens happens, and i'll always be there for both of my girls if they'll let me, but I still dread it happening.

I look at Dave and know that he's worried about not being able to get another job, and that he feels that he's let us down by not doing things differently in the past, and i know that its his fight. He knows that I don't think any less of him, but that still doesn't stop him from feeling like that.

I look at my mum, and i know that she's aware that time is something that Marek and her don't necessarily have, and I wouldn't do anything to stop her being happy with him, even thouhg it means that I lose her again.
And I'm aware that my feeling that way isn't the reality of the situation, but that its my own fight to come to terms with.

I look at my life and feel that I've accomplished so little, even while i can't think of more than a few small things that I'd have changed even if I could have done.

And yet ......

*sigh*

Today I am mainly....

...eating JellyBelly and tottering about on my gloriously high towers of foot encasing satin.

*walks around with her head in the clouds*

Prince of Darkness?

So when a black haired pale skinned stranger walks in followed by a gust of icy air, dressed in an immaculate black wool overcoat and clutching an ornate gold knobbed cane under one arm, with just one hand sheathed in a fine silk glove and stands surveying the room with a slightly sinister air wouldn't you be slightly suprised when he asks in perfectly normal tones about spectacles?

:D

Heh...... well, ok, it might have something to do with the fact that I'm reading , well, listening on my ipod, to The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova, but it was a bit of a let down to hear him speak in normal middle class tones and not in deeply accented slavic ones.

shoes

These had half a day to go on ebay, and were only up to £21 and she's gone and ended her auction early.

Why?

I mean, i would have bid far higher than that.

I was going to start first thing in the morning since they were set to finish at 7.45 am, and i would have happily paid more than twice that , since Emma really liked them.

But no.

She ended early.

Bah.
*grumps*

*sigh*


I will have to be content with these two pairs of scrummy shoeness that I bought over the last couple of days .













A gorgeous pair of demonia satin pinstripes.










And this little pair of silver and crystal flatties for the summer.

Though i may have to fight Emma off for the pinstripes because she really liked thse too, and i have a nasty feeling that they may fit her better than they'll fit me, given that they're an american 7, but they were too gorgeous to not risk it and buy them.

The next question is .....

Do I buy these gorgeous bits of glossy sexiness too?

*drool*

Sometimes....

.....it all feels like its just sliding away.

Ephemera

ephemera

Thats really all my blog is.

It would be pleasant to think that my disparate ramblings have an impact, but really they are a little spring cleaning for my head.
A way to put things into order or perspective rather than an attempt to influence other people .

Of course, the fact that people DO read my rather tortuous ramblings does mean that I'm not always as honest with myself as I ought to be.

I have always found it difficult to stand up and be counted in my personal life.
I have no problem at all in my professional one.
But then, I know where the boundaries are in that persona.
I don't require people to 'like' me so much, although there is a certain element of tat involved, its more that people need to respect my professional judgement and feel comfortable accepting [ or sometines declining ] my advice.
In my personal life though....*twiddles hair and bites lip*
In my personal life I have a deep need to fit in.
To be the same.
To be anonymous.

I'm happiest sitting back,watching, listening, smiling and once i feel secure that I'm not going to be contraversial, joining in.

The trouble is, I was born to be a showgirl.
All the time that I sit quietly I want to be running up and down, waving my knickers in the air and shouting ' look at me'.
If I go somewhere with a dancefloor I want to run on and stay there for hours.
But of course I don't.
I sit down and watch.
I see if other people take the mickey out of the dancers.
I watch how other people move.
And only when I'm sure I won't make a fool of myself will I go on.

Or if I've had a drink of course.
Then I don't care.

*thinks*

Actually, I DO care, but by that time I have the front to just laugh back at them.

I wonder sometimes where the little girl that danced and sang on stage went.

I remember always walking around doing what I wanted, not caring what other people thought.
And then a couple of things happened.
And I remember not feeling the same afterwards.
Small, silly things.

Like what ?

Like being told by a guy on a waltzer that I ought not to smile like that because it would get me into trouble.
Like falling out with one of my friends because she thought I was flirting with the guy she liked because I was smiling and chatting with him.
Like walking home from school and getting grabbed in the park .
Like having my boobs grabbed by some old guy one morning as he walked past on his way to work.

Stuff like that.

So I don't smile anymore when I walk along.
I build an invisible wall around me with big sod off invisible graffiti on it saying GET OUT OF MY FACE .
The only problem is, it keeps out the people who I'd like to let in too.

And the point of this particular blog, i hear you wonder?

None.

Just ephemera.

Whoosh and its gone.

Day Off Blues

I don't know what s the matter with me lately.

I spend all my time looking forwards to my day off, planning what I'll do with all that ME time,feeling so up-beat about what I'll get accomplished.....

and then it comes round.....

and I do nothing at all.

Well, ok, so that is a slight exaggeration.
But not by much.

Let me run past you what I intended to do today.

Get up, try first long dress on, do hair and face and take a couple of photos.
Go out into the garden with a sketch pad and plan out where i want the apple trees to go, and decide what other shrubs I want to put in, and where. Do a little clearing up of the trees left at the end of the garden.
Go shopping for some shelving for my bedroom.
Re-organise said bedroom [ with new shelving if I can find some I like ]
Write the next chapter of my story.
Find some fabric that will match the colours that the dining room will end up and run up a new tablecloth till I can find a round table that I like to replace the old one.

What katie did...

Got up.
Made Dave a coffee when he got back from dropping off Jo at his mums.
Nearly scalded myself with mine [ yes, I KNOW I ought to have loads of clothes on when I'm mooching around the house, but I don't, so there ] when he let out a yell as he realised that he hadn't given Jo her swimming money for school.
Rushed upstairs to grab some clothes so I can leap into the car and get it up to her before they go.
Dave's mum comes round just as I'm about to leave to say that its ok, she's given Jo the money, but also that she's locked herself out.
I make more coffee, then offer to run her over to where Dave's sister works so she can pick up a spare key.
Take her there, get key, drop her off,come home.
Make more coffee.
By now its 11am.
And I've done absolutely NOTHING.
Dave calls, and asks me to look for sheds on the internet as we need to replace ours.
By the time I've waded through pages and pages of identical sheds its lunchtime.
I make a banana sandwich and have a yoghurt....balanced diet eh?
I'm now thoroughly pissed off that I haven't even done one of the things that I planned.
oh, and in amongst this I have also put in 5 loads of washing,dried, ironed and sorted it, and tied up the dining room, removing half an inch of plaster dust from my old treadle sewing machine before I give up.

And so here we are.

Its 5.30pm.

I feel like I've accomplished nothing.

My day off has been completely wasted

Jeezus, I'm moany today.

It must be hormonal.

What on earth was evolution playing at when it made us so irrational just when we're at our most fertile, and our nipples are so sensitive they feel like they're throbbing like a cartoon bump on the head?

Or, erm, something like that :D
*Blush*

Two Pints

OK, so I'm quite aware that a significant number of people DONT find it funny, but its one of the few tv programmes that regularly has me nearly wetting myself with laughter, so I'm happy to see that two pints is back.

Ouch!

I've just stabbed myself in the middle of the pad of my left hand first finger while I was working.
Its not big, but it stings like hell.
And you'd be amazed at how often i have to put pressure on it.
:(

I just thought I'd share, ok.

be careful what you wish for

So, an hour since my last post and I'm still here.
I'm NOT showing some spotty oik that I can manage to work my way around the equipment without fainting.
I'm not explaining that YES I really do mean it when I say that I want to use free weights.
And I'm NOT trying to feel too let down when I realise that I can only lift a fraction of the weight that I used to throw around without breaking into a sweat.

I'm having a calming cup of coffee while i ponder the fact that my 2 girls only seem to daclare world war 3 whenever I'm about to leave the house.

I try not to leave the big one [who's nearly 16] in charge of the little one[ who's nearly 9] for that very reason,but all my plans went tits up today.
I had booked it when I thought that Dave would be home to look after them, but then he said that he had tickets for the Tottenham home game today, so we re-thought and decided the girls would come with me and swim while I did the gym thing.
Then we realised that the littlest has a birthday party today, and if we did that she would end up going there all full of chlorine so the big one said she would prefer to look after the little one at home anyway, and here we are.

What set them off?

What else...... the age old argument of WHO sits on the sofa/who WAS sitting on the sofa/ who sat there FIRST.

I mean , its not as if there's no other furniture in the room!
Or that they both normally end up sprawling on the floor anyway.
But no....as soon as I am doing something that means I'm downstairs you can be sure that sooner or later [ and generally its almost instantaneous] it sets off.

Bah.
Bah.
And double bloody bah.



Erm......
Is it just me , or did that sound rather sheepish.
:D

calm.

We went to see Munich last night and I don't think i've been in such a silent cinema for ages.
Suprisingly a couple of people walked out before the end, and the guy sitting next to D was asleep [ though thankfully not snoring ] but I really liked it.
Even at 164 minutes.

Not so pleasant was having to walk out under what was promising to become a full scale ruck in the bar/nightclub that is in the same complex.
I just hope that Emma doesn't want to start going there in the near future, because seeing a tall blonde girl throwing a punch at the bouncer and her boyfriend laying into another one as their friends all pushed their way out to 'help' was not a sight that was likely to make me let her go.

As we drove out the first of 3 police vans tore past us, blues and sirens going, so it was obviously escalating nicely.
:(

Today has been good too.
I took Em and Jo to the pool and although I did very little actual swimming [ mainly playing with Jo ] i didn't stop for a couple of hours, and feel good for it.
I also booked an induction at the gym for next sunday, so that if I want I can go while D takes the girls in the pool.

Actually, i feel pretty positive about making this whole getting healthier thing.
We're eating far more veg, cutting down on the stodge/fat/sugar, and getting less sedentary in small but significant stages.
So i hope that we can continue and make this work for us all.

Oh, and I have 2 possible outfits for the gala thing.
Once I get them I might just post a couple of pics so I can decide which looks best because you can see stuff in a photo that you overlook in a mirror.

Possibly.

If I feel brave enough.

:D

damn the lack of time

Well, i've found the perfect dress here, but its custom made and it would take 8 weeks to have it made.
:(
And I don't have that long.
*sob*

so....

I'm still off work.
I'm still snotting over everything, though the tendency to wet myself with every humungous sneeze had thankfully passed.
* note to self - investigate these *
Oh, and just to clarify, No, i do not make a habit of wetting myself under stress, but when you're drinking litres and litres of liquid in order to try and replace the stuff that seems to be oozing from nose/eyes/pores your bladder can get a little over full ok?
:S

Now, where was I?

Oh, yeah, snotting.
I've been through two massive boxes of tissues, scratched my skin to pieces with every wipe [ even using soft goo enriched ones ] and have been left with scaly rhino skin in place of my baby soft epidermis.

I also have a perpetual headache.

I feel bad about taking the time off work [ god, that sounds conciencious ] but there's no way i could cope with being nice to people, or listen patiently as they try and decide what to do while my bones crack and splinter each time I move, and my eyes feel like they are p**s-holes in the snow.

Pass the tissues

Yes, I am now suffering from that wonderful virus, the common cold.

And I'm at work.

Well, for the next couple of minutes I am at least.
I'm busy scaring people with my bright red cheeks, runny eyes and general sense of wetness.
So I think i'll go home and die in peace.

Or rather, die surrounded by plaster dust, noise and mayhem.
*sniff*
*snot*
*cry*

Black Tie???????

One day I'll learn to look at the fine print before I agree to do something.
Though going by my past history it will be far, far in the future, in a galaxy far away.......

I should explain.

I got a call from one of my collegues today about a training day [ that I've already done ], a panel day [ that I have no interest in being part of ] and a product launch which would include a day at the races [ which sounded fun ].
So I checked my diary, made all the right noises, made sure that it wasn't something that would have me falling to sleep during it and said that I'd go.
I can even take Dave.
Great eh?

I should have realised .

There is always a catch.

And there, in the middle of the hotel details and coach transfers to the course, there it was.
Gala Dinner.
Black Tie Gala dinner no less.
And you know what that means.

IT MEANS A LONG FROCK!!!!!

Now this may not seem a bad thing to you poor unfortunate soul who's happened to stumble on my pathetic pretence at a blog, but take it from me, when you're 5'2" with a sizeable chest and a big tattoo on your back [ which I will of course want to show in its full glory ] it is no easy task to find a suitable frock.

The last one I went to I managed to find one, but my boobs are biger than they were then [ and yes, I am skimming over the fact that the rest of me may well be bigger too ] and I felt tlike I was straight jacketed then, so I doubt that it'll be suitable now.

Bugger.

All the sales are finished, wedding season hasn't started, and I need it by march.
:(

Time to break out the diet books I think.

I go away for a week.......

and I get tagged.
Twice.

Thanks guys.
:)

And then I write it all up, and it won't load.

So I have to start again.

Bah.

Right, now, where was I?

4 jobs I've had.
Art Student [ well, it was in the days when you didn't have to pay back your grant, so that counts as pay right? ]
Post Office Counter Clerk.
Shipping Clerk with a container company.
Dispensing Optician.

4 movies I can watch over and over.
Saving Grace.
Thoroughly Modern Millie.
Toy Story.
And ....erm..... I'll go look when i get home.

4 places I've lived
Sheffield.
London.
Gillingham.
Maidstone.
[ all in England ]

4 TV shows I love to watch.
CSI
Pride and Predjudice [ so what if its not on now ]
Black Books.
Green Wing.

4 places I've been on vacation.
Gambia [ crunchy beetles ]
Geneva [ crunchy fillet de perch ]
Cayton Bay [ crunch sand ]
Lapland [ crunchy snow ]

4 of my favourite dishes.
Baby back ribs from Bodeans in London.
Spinach and peanut rolls from Kulu Kulu in Soho.
Yorkshire pudding.
Ice cream.

4 websites I visit daily.
Blogger.
Gmail.
Last.fm
Flickr.

4 places I would rather be right now.
On a beach somewhere hot and tropical and alone.
At home supervising an army of cleaners to get my house back in order after the building work is finished.
Mooching around a reclaimation yard with an unlimited amount of funds to spend.
In the Apple store buying a Macbook.

4 bloggers I'm tagging.
Oh, right.....so hit me with this a couple of weeks after everyone else has and expect me to know anyone who hasn't already be tagged!
:D

pain in the neck

Now I bet you thought that I was going to have a moan about someone/something here .
didn't you?
Come on, you can admit it.
I'm quite aware that I can be a moany grumpy old bag rather more often than I'd like.

Well for once you're wrong.
My neck actually hurts.
Like hell actually.
A hot pain running from my collar-bone to my ear.

It doesn't bode well for my having to lug my nearly exploding suitcase around french railway stations.

The trouble is i'm having to take far more than i'd like .
Well, maybe not, but although i can launder small stuff , I can't see me washing jumpers, and if theres one thing that turns me right off its smelly people, so I'm certainly not going to join there ranks for the sake of packing an extra bit of clothing [ or 2, or even 3...OK, so I've got too much in there, stop nagging! ]

I blame it firmly on the 2 rather large cuddly toys that I've got stashed in there though.

Why am i taking them?
Do I have some weird fetish involving stuffed animals?
Do I have problems sleeping at night?

No actually.

You see there are certain traditions in Ice Skating competitions, and one of them is that at the end of a skaters performance you throw stuff on the ice for them, and cute little girls skate round, gather them up and dump them on to the compeditor while they're sitting nervously waiting for the scored to show.
It gives them something to wave at the tv crews who are sticking their lenses up their noses as they wait for the tears or stomping off or even the victory grin.

So I ordered 2 small squashy toys.
A bulldog with a union jack waistcoat, and a grey teddy with 2 union jacks embroidered on his tum.
The only problem was that when they came instead of being about 4 or 5 inches tall, they were 10 or 11.
*eek*
So as I type this they are tightly bound in bags and squished on top of my thermals.

Its possible I wont need to bring them home with me, but I can see that Johns mum might ask me to stick them back in my suitcase till we get home given the amount of space they take up.

I also have my fleece lined union jack wooly hat complete with heidi style plaits and bobble on the top.

Oi....................................................stop laughing.

:D
:D
:D

I know, ok.......
But there aren't likely to be many of us there, so its important to show support.

So, if by any chance you see some red haired , red white and blue flag emblazoned mad-hatted loony engulfed in a massive coat with so much fur round the hood that I cant see where I'm going, then its not me, right.