Sometimes....

.....it all feels like its just sliding away.

Ephemera

ephemera

Thats really all my blog is.

It would be pleasant to think that my disparate ramblings have an impact, but really they are a little spring cleaning for my head.
A way to put things into order or perspective rather than an attempt to influence other people .

Of course, the fact that people DO read my rather tortuous ramblings does mean that I'm not always as honest with myself as I ought to be.

I have always found it difficult to stand up and be counted in my personal life.
I have no problem at all in my professional one.
But then, I know where the boundaries are in that persona.
I don't require people to 'like' me so much, although there is a certain element of tat involved, its more that people need to respect my professional judgement and feel comfortable accepting [ or sometines declining ] my advice.
In my personal life though....*twiddles hair and bites lip*
In my personal life I have a deep need to fit in.
To be the same.
To be anonymous.

I'm happiest sitting back,watching, listening, smiling and once i feel secure that I'm not going to be contraversial, joining in.

The trouble is, I was born to be a showgirl.
All the time that I sit quietly I want to be running up and down, waving my knickers in the air and shouting ' look at me'.
If I go somewhere with a dancefloor I want to run on and stay there for hours.
But of course I don't.
I sit down and watch.
I see if other people take the mickey out of the dancers.
I watch how other people move.
And only when I'm sure I won't make a fool of myself will I go on.

Or if I've had a drink of course.
Then I don't care.

*thinks*

Actually, I DO care, but by that time I have the front to just laugh back at them.

I wonder sometimes where the little girl that danced and sang on stage went.

I remember always walking around doing what I wanted, not caring what other people thought.
And then a couple of things happened.
And I remember not feeling the same afterwards.
Small, silly things.

Like what ?

Like being told by a guy on a waltzer that I ought not to smile like that because it would get me into trouble.
Like falling out with one of my friends because she thought I was flirting with the guy she liked because I was smiling and chatting with him.
Like walking home from school and getting grabbed in the park .
Like having my boobs grabbed by some old guy one morning as he walked past on his way to work.

Stuff like that.

So I don't smile anymore when I walk along.
I build an invisible wall around me with big sod off invisible graffiti on it saying GET OUT OF MY FACE .
The only problem is, it keeps out the people who I'd like to let in too.

And the point of this particular blog, i hear you wonder?

None.

Just ephemera.

Whoosh and its gone.

Day Off Blues

I don't know what s the matter with me lately.

I spend all my time looking forwards to my day off, planning what I'll do with all that ME time,feeling so up-beat about what I'll get accomplished.....

and then it comes round.....

and I do nothing at all.

Well, ok, so that is a slight exaggeration.
But not by much.

Let me run past you what I intended to do today.

Get up, try first long dress on, do hair and face and take a couple of photos.
Go out into the garden with a sketch pad and plan out where i want the apple trees to go, and decide what other shrubs I want to put in, and where. Do a little clearing up of the trees left at the end of the garden.
Go shopping for some shelving for my bedroom.
Re-organise said bedroom [ with new shelving if I can find some I like ]
Write the next chapter of my story.
Find some fabric that will match the colours that the dining room will end up and run up a new tablecloth till I can find a round table that I like to replace the old one.

What katie did...

Got up.
Made Dave a coffee when he got back from dropping off Jo at his mums.
Nearly scalded myself with mine [ yes, I KNOW I ought to have loads of clothes on when I'm mooching around the house, but I don't, so there ] when he let out a yell as he realised that he hadn't given Jo her swimming money for school.
Rushed upstairs to grab some clothes so I can leap into the car and get it up to her before they go.
Dave's mum comes round just as I'm about to leave to say that its ok, she's given Jo the money, but also that she's locked herself out.
I make more coffee, then offer to run her over to where Dave's sister works so she can pick up a spare key.
Take her there, get key, drop her off,come home.
Make more coffee.
By now its 11am.
And I've done absolutely NOTHING.
Dave calls, and asks me to look for sheds on the internet as we need to replace ours.
By the time I've waded through pages and pages of identical sheds its lunchtime.
I make a banana sandwich and have a yoghurt....balanced diet eh?
I'm now thoroughly pissed off that I haven't even done one of the things that I planned.
oh, and in amongst this I have also put in 5 loads of washing,dried, ironed and sorted it, and tied up the dining room, removing half an inch of plaster dust from my old treadle sewing machine before I give up.

And so here we are.

Its 5.30pm.

I feel like I've accomplished nothing.

My day off has been completely wasted

Jeezus, I'm moany today.

It must be hormonal.

What on earth was evolution playing at when it made us so irrational just when we're at our most fertile, and our nipples are so sensitive they feel like they're throbbing like a cartoon bump on the head?

Or, erm, something like that :D
*Blush*

Two Pints

OK, so I'm quite aware that a significant number of people DONT find it funny, but its one of the few tv programmes that regularly has me nearly wetting myself with laughter, so I'm happy to see that two pints is back.

Ouch!

I've just stabbed myself in the middle of the pad of my left hand first finger while I was working.
Its not big, but it stings like hell.
And you'd be amazed at how often i have to put pressure on it.
:(

I just thought I'd share, ok.

be careful what you wish for

So, an hour since my last post and I'm still here.
I'm NOT showing some spotty oik that I can manage to work my way around the equipment without fainting.
I'm not explaining that YES I really do mean it when I say that I want to use free weights.
And I'm NOT trying to feel too let down when I realise that I can only lift a fraction of the weight that I used to throw around without breaking into a sweat.

I'm having a calming cup of coffee while i ponder the fact that my 2 girls only seem to daclare world war 3 whenever I'm about to leave the house.

I try not to leave the big one [who's nearly 16] in charge of the little one[ who's nearly 9] for that very reason,but all my plans went tits up today.
I had booked it when I thought that Dave would be home to look after them, but then he said that he had tickets for the Tottenham home game today, so we re-thought and decided the girls would come with me and swim while I did the gym thing.
Then we realised that the littlest has a birthday party today, and if we did that she would end up going there all full of chlorine so the big one said she would prefer to look after the little one at home anyway, and here we are.

What set them off?

What else...... the age old argument of WHO sits on the sofa/who WAS sitting on the sofa/ who sat there FIRST.

I mean , its not as if there's no other furniture in the room!
Or that they both normally end up sprawling on the floor anyway.
But no....as soon as I am doing something that means I'm downstairs you can be sure that sooner or later [ and generally its almost instantaneous] it sets off.

Bah.
Bah.
And double bloody bah.



Erm......
Is it just me , or did that sound rather sheepish.
:D