You know, as each year passes and each new problem occurs, I look back at the past ones and think 'If only I knew what was coming'.
Right now I'm trying to find a way to advise my daughters so that they make the right choices for them and accept that those choices may not be the right choice for me.
A way to balance their view of the world with mine.
A way to explain why I see things differently without making them feel guilty for not seeing it the same way.
And a way not to worry that I'm making it too easy to opt out just because I don't want them to just do what _I_ want.
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Thursday, January 12, 2006
stuff....or do i mean stuffed?
How is it that sometimes nothing happens in your life for months and months , and then in the space of a couple of days there is so much going on that you have no space in your head to contain it?
Yes, this is one of those entries.
One of those filled with random stuff that has no cohesive quality but which happens to follow the scheme of my life pretty well.
God, where do i start?
A big thank you to Mr Morrison is pretty high on the list I think, for doing the honourable thing by the guys at Aylesford Depot and making it completely unviable after your magnificent takeover of Safeways and therefore putting everything in place for Daves redundency on the 22nd.
I suppose we ought to be grateful for the generous redundancy package, but since that was agreed by the original Safeway company, i don't really see that I need to feel at all obliged to him.
Ok, though you don't know it, i got interrupted just then, disrupting my flow and generally causing me some more stress.
Jo came down freaking out that she was sorry and it was an accident but she'd broken emma's door.
It turns out that they were arguing [whats new] and she had tried to open Emma's door while Emma was holding the handle shut, and between then they somehow managed to snap of the brass handle on the outside.
So now I am the proud owned of one broken bit of door furniture, one barking sobbing child [ who's trying not to cry while saying over and over that she's sorry] and one irate older child who can't see that she in any way added to the mess by running away up to her room in the 'game' that was going on just before .
I thought my stress levels were fine, but since I've just shouted at both of them over this, and really, its no big thing after all, I'm thinking that they probably aren't.
So, where was I?
Oh, yeah, stuff.
Well, now here's where things get rather more complicated, mainly because I'm not straight in my head about how i feel about them, and the emotional me is warring with the sensible me over what to admit to.
These two are my Mum and Dad.
Or to be more exact, my Mum and my stepdad.
Except that I've never thought of him as that.
He's always been just 'Dad'.
They look pretty happy here don't they?
And on the whole they were.....i mean everyone has rows and they were no exception.
They certainly loved each other, tolerated each others foibles and faults and admired the qualities that they didn't themselves had but saw in the other.
They taught me that an open mind was not just an asset it was a necessity, that it was important not to get so pissed that you fall over [ unless you have somewhere soft to fall ], that friends are to be cultivated, that you can hate at the same time as you love, that just because someone doesn't hug you it doesn't mean that they don't want to, and a thousand and one other important facts of life.
They are also the reason that i don't take risks .
*bites fingernails as I consider whether to elaborate*
No.
No, its enough that you know that there's a reason , I don't know that you need to know why.
The short of it is that it's taken me about 37 years to start to take risks, and I'm still crap at it.
The thing is, my mum is good at it.
She's done it throughout her life.
And now she's about to do it again.
and I feel ashamed to admit that i'm jealous of her.
*pauses to examine how just writing that makes me feel*
Yup.
Jealous.
Big green eyed monster.
I'm jealous of the fact that she's just going to up sticks and go, to take a chance of some hapiness now that she's met someone that she can enjoy life with in the way that she never got a chance to with my dad .
Because he went and drank himself to death.
Blunt?
Yeah, i suppose so, but how else can I put it when he should have been in the UK having a heart bypass because he kept turning blue and collapsing, and instead he was off with his ex pat mates in Turkey, along with one of his parter in crime buddies Jill, [ who was as much use as a chocolate teapot when she found him dead/dying] getting completely lashed and doing at least a bottle of vodka before breakfast.
God , I hadn't realise how mad i still am at him.
So off she'll go again, leaving.
And i have to admit that it makes me feel like a little girl again.
Because she won't be here.
Again.
Yes, this is one of those entries.
One of those filled with random stuff that has no cohesive quality but which happens to follow the scheme of my life pretty well.
God, where do i start?
A big thank you to Mr Morrison is pretty high on the list I think, for doing the honourable thing by the guys at Aylesford Depot and making it completely unviable after your magnificent takeover of Safeways and therefore putting everything in place for Daves redundency on the 22nd.
I suppose we ought to be grateful for the generous redundancy package, but since that was agreed by the original Safeway company, i don't really see that I need to feel at all obliged to him.
Ok, though you don't know it, i got interrupted just then, disrupting my flow and generally causing me some more stress.
Jo came down freaking out that she was sorry and it was an accident but she'd broken emma's door.
It turns out that they were arguing [whats new] and she had tried to open Emma's door while Emma was holding the handle shut, and between then they somehow managed to snap of the brass handle on the outside.
So now I am the proud owned of one broken bit of door furniture, one barking sobbing child [ who's trying not to cry while saying over and over that she's sorry] and one irate older child who can't see that she in any way added to the mess by running away up to her room in the 'game' that was going on just before .
I thought my stress levels were fine, but since I've just shouted at both of them over this, and really, its no big thing after all, I'm thinking that they probably aren't.
So, where was I?
Oh, yeah, stuff.
Well, now here's where things get rather more complicated, mainly because I'm not straight in my head about how i feel about them, and the emotional me is warring with the sensible me over what to admit to.
These two are my Mum and Dad.
Or to be more exact, my Mum and my stepdad.
Except that I've never thought of him as that.
He's always been just 'Dad'.
They look pretty happy here don't they?
And on the whole they were.....i mean everyone has rows and they were no exception.
They certainly loved each other, tolerated each others foibles and faults and admired the qualities that they didn't themselves had but saw in the other.
They taught me that an open mind was not just an asset it was a necessity, that it was important not to get so pissed that you fall over [ unless you have somewhere soft to fall ], that friends are to be cultivated, that you can hate at the same time as you love, that just because someone doesn't hug you it doesn't mean that they don't want to, and a thousand and one other important facts of life.
They are also the reason that i don't take risks .
*bites fingernails as I consider whether to elaborate*
No.
No, its enough that you know that there's a reason , I don't know that you need to know why.
The short of it is that it's taken me about 37 years to start to take risks, and I'm still crap at it.
The thing is, my mum is good at it.
She's done it throughout her life.
And now she's about to do it again.
and I feel ashamed to admit that i'm jealous of her.
*pauses to examine how just writing that makes me feel*
Yup.
Jealous.
Big green eyed monster.
I'm jealous of the fact that she's just going to up sticks and go, to take a chance of some hapiness now that she's met someone that she can enjoy life with in the way that she never got a chance to with my dad .
Because he went and drank himself to death.
Blunt?
Yeah, i suppose so, but how else can I put it when he should have been in the UK having a heart bypass because he kept turning blue and collapsing, and instead he was off with his ex pat mates in Turkey, along with one of his parter in crime buddies Jill, [ who was as much use as a chocolate teapot when she found him dead/dying] getting completely lashed and doing at least a bottle of vodka before breakfast.
God , I hadn't realise how mad i still am at him.
So off she'll go again, leaving.
And i have to admit that it makes me feel like a little girl again.
Because she won't be here.
Again.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Tooth Update
There seems to be very little pain for which I am extremely grateful.
Dave is taking Jo to our normal dentist first thng monday morning to let them see the damage and see what they suggest, but one of my patients is a dentist specialising in childrens teeth, and she's really lovely, so I'm also going to hunt out her contact details and give her a call.
The last thing I want is for Jo to grow up with a complex about her teth looking bad, and since she's already said a couple of times that her teeth are 'ugly' now, I would rather get them sorted sooner than later.
As far as the other child is concerned, I'm going to see what happens for a couple of days, then speak to the headmistress again once I know what we'll need to do to get her teeth fixed and see if I can get some background into why it might have happened.
Jo thinks that he thought that she was trying to take some football stickers off the little boy she was playing with, becuase when she bumped into him he dropped them and she was helping to pick them up, but since he didn't even ask what was happening, and Jo and the other boy are friends , I'm rather concerned about why he reacted with such force.
The strange thing is that her Headmistress said that she had spoken to the teachers on duty in the playground and they hadn't seen any indication that he was going to do anything violent when he walked up to them.
Completely unprovoked and out of the blue.
So I don't know if this was completely out of chatacter or if he's prone to lashing out.
Either way, just keeping him in at playtime for a week doesn't seem enough of a punishment, though I'm rather glad that he's being kept away from Jo, just incase he starts again.
Dave is taking Jo to our normal dentist first thng monday morning to let them see the damage and see what they suggest, but one of my patients is a dentist specialising in childrens teeth, and she's really lovely, so I'm also going to hunt out her contact details and give her a call.
The last thing I want is for Jo to grow up with a complex about her teth looking bad, and since she's already said a couple of times that her teeth are 'ugly' now, I would rather get them sorted sooner than later.
As far as the other child is concerned, I'm going to see what happens for a couple of days, then speak to the headmistress again once I know what we'll need to do to get her teeth fixed and see if I can get some background into why it might have happened.
Jo thinks that he thought that she was trying to take some football stickers off the little boy she was playing with, becuase when she bumped into him he dropped them and she was helping to pick them up, but since he didn't even ask what was happening, and Jo and the other boy are friends , I'm rather concerned about why he reacted with such force.
The strange thing is that her Headmistress said that she had spoken to the teachers on duty in the playground and they hadn't seen any indication that he was going to do anything violent when he walked up to them.
Completely unprovoked and out of the blue.
So I don't know if this was completely out of chatacter or if he's prone to lashing out.
Either way, just keeping him in at playtime for a week doesn't seem enough of a punishment, though I'm rather glad that he's being kept away from Jo, just incase he starts again.
One Day Later
Jo got into bed with us sometime around 3 last night saying she'd had a bad dream.
Not unexpected really.
She cuddled up to me for a while then decided she wanted to be the 'filling in a mummy/daddy/baby' sandwich and stomped all over me as she moved positions, then talked to Dave for half an hour till he went for a pee and then sidled off downstairs to sleep on the sofa.
:)
Eventually she decided our bed was less comfortable, went downstairs to her room, talked to Dave for another 15 minutes and eventually fell back to sleep again, so back came Dave, waking me up again as he snugged up to me with his cold arse.
So this morning I'm pretty tired.
Jo on the other hand seems fine.
She got fussed over by Grandma and her cousin Lucy and made some more christmas cards and stuff.
She's aso trying to decide how to raise money for the RSPB and is debating making cakes and selling them.
I'm guessing she's expecting us all to buy loads, so I'd better make sure they are edible when she does.
Emma has gone shopping with her friends today, with a visit to the hairdressers thrown in for good measure.
She's sent me a message showing her hair, and I'd not realised how long it had gotten.
Its reaching down to the middle of her back again.
She's had it all layered so it hangs nicely and frames her face better at the front, and once she's back from her holiday she's going to get it coloured too, though I'm not completely clear what she has in mind on that score.
Its strange how things come full circle .
The girls that she's shopping with are the ones that were bullying her a couple of years back, but now it all seems fine.
I was concerned to begin with that it was all going to blow up again, but it seems they have all had long deep talks about what happened and how they all felt and have agreed to put it behind them.
Not unexpected really.
She cuddled up to me for a while then decided she wanted to be the 'filling in a mummy/daddy/baby' sandwich and stomped all over me as she moved positions, then talked to Dave for half an hour till he went for a pee and then sidled off downstairs to sleep on the sofa.
:)
Eventually she decided our bed was less comfortable, went downstairs to her room, talked to Dave for another 15 minutes and eventually fell back to sleep again, so back came Dave, waking me up again as he snugged up to me with his cold arse.
So this morning I'm pretty tired.
Jo on the other hand seems fine.
She got fussed over by Grandma and her cousin Lucy and made some more christmas cards and stuff.
She's aso trying to decide how to raise money for the RSPB and is debating making cakes and selling them.
I'm guessing she's expecting us all to buy loads, so I'd better make sure they are edible when she does.
Emma has gone shopping with her friends today, with a visit to the hairdressers thrown in for good measure.
She's sent me a message showing her hair, and I'd not realised how long it had gotten.
Its reaching down to the middle of her back again.
She's had it all layered so it hangs nicely and frames her face better at the front, and once she's back from her holiday she's going to get it coloured too, though I'm not completely clear what she has in mind on that score.
Its strange how things come full circle .
The girls that she's shopping with are the ones that were bullying her a couple of years back, but now it all seems fine.
I was concerned to begin with that it was all going to blow up again, but it seems they have all had long deep talks about what happened and how they all felt and have agreed to put it behind them.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Hello, this is Jo's school...I'm afraid there's been an incident.
Those are the words that make your stomach go sick and your hands clammy as you hold the phone and try not to cry.
It wasn't as bad as it could have been, thank god, but that didn't stop my brain going into overdrive when i heard the secretary on the line.
It seems that one of the year 3 boys took exception to how Jo was playing with her friends [ not with him you undertand..he was just watching them play ] in the school payground at lunch, and decided to walk over, headbutt her, breaking 2 of her front teeth in the process and then walk off.
Yeah, thats 2 of her ADULT front teeth.
It doesn't look all that bad.....
The lower one is all sharp and pointy, and the upper one is about 2 mm shorter than it was and all jagged, but it might have been far worse.
:(
And typically our dentists and the other one nearby were both closed today for some reason, so we haven't been able to get them looked at yet.
She doesn't seem to be in too much pain, but they are really sensitive, and she's all shaken and in need of hugs.
Actually I'm not sure which of us needs the hugs more, me or her.
Dave was closest so he got a cab to school and picked her up, and for once was calmly angry rather than shouting angry.
I mean, like he said, the boy that did it was only 7 or 8, so he could hardly shout at him, especially as he was aparently really shaken at the damage he'd done.
But we are both still a bit sick feeling.
I had to drag Emma out of her work experience to come home with me too, but she was really worried when she heard what had happened and gave her a massive hug when she got home.
Jo seems much better at the moment.
She's making xmas cards.
But I'm not sure how she will be when its bed time.
:(
It wasn't as bad as it could have been, thank god, but that didn't stop my brain going into overdrive when i heard the secretary on the line.
It seems that one of the year 3 boys took exception to how Jo was playing with her friends [ not with him you undertand..he was just watching them play ] in the school payground at lunch, and decided to walk over, headbutt her, breaking 2 of her front teeth in the process and then walk off.
Yeah, thats 2 of her ADULT front teeth.
It doesn't look all that bad.....
The lower one is all sharp and pointy, and the upper one is about 2 mm shorter than it was and all jagged, but it might have been far worse.
:(
And typically our dentists and the other one nearby were both closed today for some reason, so we haven't been able to get them looked at yet.
She doesn't seem to be in too much pain, but they are really sensitive, and she's all shaken and in need of hugs.
Actually I'm not sure which of us needs the hugs more, me or her.
Dave was closest so he got a cab to school and picked her up, and for once was calmly angry rather than shouting angry.
I mean, like he said, the boy that did it was only 7 or 8, so he could hardly shout at him, especially as he was aparently really shaken at the damage he'd done.
But we are both still a bit sick feeling.
I had to drag Emma out of her work experience to come home with me too, but she was really worried when she heard what had happened and gave her a massive hug when she got home.
Jo seems much better at the moment.
She's making xmas cards.
But I'm not sure how she will be when its bed time.
:(
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Whaaaaaa?* drool*..Sleeping?, Me?, welllllll........
I am so tired.
I really need to go to the doctors and get my thyroid levels checked, but I just seem to get to 8pm every day and realise that yet again I haven't had time to ring the surgery.
Missing my day off didn't help, 'cos I usually catch a couple of hours during the day and kind of re-stock my energy levels, but I don't think it made that much difference.
I really need to ring them to get a repeat prescription sorted too.
I finished my last pack of thyroxine...let me think...erm...well....long enough ago that I can't remember the date.
OK. You don't need to shout.
I KNOW I should be better at taking them, but I really thought that I had another pack in the medicine drawer, and I was wrong.
And then I can't just ring up and ask for another, I have to speak to the dr, and they are not easy to get hold of, especially when you're at work.
And, OK, I know i'm just making excuses too......
I really really really MUST ring them tomorrow.
I have another call to make too, but at least Emma should remind me about this one.
As I mentioned before [ I think } she's doing work experience at the moment, and having fun in a fashion design studio.
The problem is that it sems that the placement was only for a week, altthough the school told her it was for 2.
So now she has no where to go for her second week.
Sooooooooooooooo......
I spoke to my boss and he's fine with her coming to work with me for the 2nd week.
I mean she's been kind of doing that anyway, cos they work quite short hours and she's been finishing at 3 or 3.30 most days, so she's been helping out with me while she's waited to go home.
We just need to clear it with school, given how hot they are on checking that its a suitable placement and all.
I hope there wont be a problem since its their cock up, but we'll just have to wait and see.
I really need to go to the doctors and get my thyroid levels checked, but I just seem to get to 8pm every day and realise that yet again I haven't had time to ring the surgery.
Missing my day off didn't help, 'cos I usually catch a couple of hours during the day and kind of re-stock my energy levels, but I don't think it made that much difference.
I really need to ring them to get a repeat prescription sorted too.
I finished my last pack of thyroxine...let me think...erm...well....long enough ago that I can't remember the date.
OK. You don't need to shout.
I KNOW I should be better at taking them, but I really thought that I had another pack in the medicine drawer, and I was wrong.
And then I can't just ring up and ask for another, I have to speak to the dr, and they are not easy to get hold of, especially when you're at work.
And, OK, I know i'm just making excuses too......
I really really really MUST ring them tomorrow.
I have another call to make too, but at least Emma should remind me about this one.
As I mentioned before [ I think } she's doing work experience at the moment, and having fun in a fashion design studio.
The problem is that it sems that the placement was only for a week, altthough the school told her it was for 2.
So now she has no where to go for her second week.
Sooooooooooooooo......
I spoke to my boss and he's fine with her coming to work with me for the 2nd week.
I mean she's been kind of doing that anyway, cos they work quite short hours and she's been finishing at 3 or 3.30 most days, so she's been helping out with me while she's waited to go home.
We just need to clear it with school, given how hot they are on checking that its a suitable placement and all.
I hope there wont be a problem since its their cock up, but we'll just have to wait and see.
Monday, November 28, 2005
Mood swinging madly
I've been bouncing all day for one reason or another.
Hyper even.
I did loads of work stuff without even trying.
Well...ok, so the without trying is a bit of an exageration, but I wasn't stressing, it all just worked.
I got excited over that corset, but even discovering that it didn't fit right didn't knock my Happy Smiley mood.
I ordered Dave's Ipod and didn't flinch at the impact on my bank account.
And then i have a short, throw away conversation with Em.
Hell, it wasn't even a conversation.
And now she's upstairs thinking that she's upset me, and I have no way of telling her that it was just such a suprise question.
She ought to be able to ask me stuff like that without me over-reacting.
Its a perfectly reasonable question.
I just don't know where it came from.
I don't know what she's been thinking about to make her need to ask me.
And so I'm sitting here feeling gutted and empty.
And wondering if I'll only have another 6 months with her.
:(
Hyper even.
I did loads of work stuff without even trying.
Well...ok, so the without trying is a bit of an exageration, but I wasn't stressing, it all just worked.
I got excited over that corset, but even discovering that it didn't fit right didn't knock my Happy Smiley mood.
I ordered Dave's Ipod and didn't flinch at the impact on my bank account.
And then i have a short, throw away conversation with Em.
Hell, it wasn't even a conversation.
And now she's upstairs thinking that she's upset me, and I have no way of telling her that it was just such a suprise question.
She ought to be able to ask me stuff like that without me over-reacting.
Its a perfectly reasonable question.
I just don't know where it came from.
I don't know what she's been thinking about to make her need to ask me.
And so I'm sitting here feeling gutted and empty.
And wondering if I'll only have another 6 months with her.
:(
Sad
"mum?"
"Yes, Emma"
"When I'm 16 do i get to chose who I live with?"
*
*
*
*
"Well, if you don't want to live here when you're 16 then yes you do, otherwise no, normally you don't"
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
"Have I upset you mum?
"No darling, you haven't"
Its strange how things can catch you off guard and hurt you.
"Yes, Emma"
"When I'm 16 do i get to chose who I live with?"
*
*
*
*
"Well, if you don't want to live here when you're 16 then yes you do, otherwise no, normally you don't"
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
"Have I upset you mum?
"No darling, you haven't"
Its strange how things can catch you off guard and hurt you.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Work Experience
One of the trials of a 15 year olds life [ not to mention that of her long suffering parents ] is Work Experience.
But after along and tortuous wait the biggest girlie has just bounced through the door, waved a bit of scrumpled paper in my face and shrieked that hse has her placement.
Something made me think that she might be a bit happy about it....I wonder what?
:D
It seems that hse will be working in a fashion design studio [ more rapturous leaping about as she tells me this ] and its in Sevenoaks [ where I work ] so she will get a lift in with me on most days, and [ very important this ] She can wear casual clothes
:D :D :D
Why do i forsee a shopping spree to find suitable casual stuff before she goes there?
But after along and tortuous wait the biggest girlie has just bounced through the door, waved a bit of scrumpled paper in my face and shrieked that hse has her placement.
Something made me think that she might be a bit happy about it....I wonder what?
:D
It seems that hse will be working in a fashion design studio [ more rapturous leaping about as she tells me this ] and its in Sevenoaks [ where I work ] so she will get a lift in with me on most days, and [ very important this ] She can wear casual clothes
:D :D :D
Why do i forsee a shopping spree to find suitable casual stuff before she goes there?
Sunday, October 09, 2005
math
Its a bit much when, in order to help my daughter with her math homework she has to explain to me the method by which we she has to get to the answer.
I wish they'd stop changing how they teach.
Its not even as if she doesn't understand the traditional method cos when I show her how i used to do the same sum she grasps it immediately.
And yet the roundabout way that she has to write the sum down and show her workings confuses her.
:(
I wish they'd stop changing how they teach.
Its not even as if she doesn't understand the traditional method cos when I show her how i used to do the same sum she grasps it immediately.
And yet the roundabout way that she has to write the sum down and show her workings confuses her.
:(
Sunday, September 25, 2005
What have I let myself in for?
The littlest girlie's birthday falls smack bang in the middle of the main school hols and so her birthday party has to be either way before the event itsself, or as soon as they go back [ resulting in everyone thinking she's a year older than she is ].
This year we just haven't been organised enough, and although I took her and a friend to the design museum to make surfing related goodies [ t shirts/flip-flops/necklaces ]as a birthday treat i haven't organised an actual party for her.
So......
In a soft moment....
I agreed that she can have a Halloween costume party instead.
Am i stupid or what?
: )
This year we just haven't been organised enough, and although I took her and a friend to the design museum to make surfing related goodies [ t shirts/flip-flops/necklaces ]as a birthday treat i haven't organised an actual party for her.
So......
In a soft moment....
I agreed that she can have a Halloween costume party instead.
Am i stupid or what?
: )
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