introspection

In a strange way yesterday felt like the beginning of something.
A sense of freedom perhaps ?
Or maybe just the feeling of coming home to normality that pervaded the day.

Normal for me at least.

I can't remember the first time that I went off and did something on my own, but i know its something that my Mum would have pushed me into.
I wasn't a child who was all that happy being alone at that time.
Perhaps its not until you don't get too much of your own space that you come to value it.

I think it was the cinema.
Up until that point it had always been a thing done in the company of friends.
And perhaps the bias was towards friends rather than cinema.
Whatever the reason, I DO remember there being a time when I wanted to see something particular [ Black Christmas rings the right bells ] and all my friends dropped out at the last minute, so I wasn't going to go.
And she shoved me out the door.

And yeah, she was right.

Why miss something just because no-one else wants to do it?
Isn't the fact that you want to do it enough?

That thought got reinforced for me on Tuesday.

I was talking to a friend about the Surrealism exhibition that i want to see at the V&A and she said that she would love to go but that ther husband wouldn't go with her.
Which turned into ' why not go on you own then?'
And her answer was that she didn't feel comfortable doing so.
Going on her own that is.
And eventually she said that she didn't want to go ENOUGH to go on her own.

It made me think.

As it is I miss quite enough things in my life because other peoples lives take precedence, so to miss even more just because I would have to go on my own seems senseless.

So why. given the fact that I regularly do things on my own did yesterday feel different?

I think because it was a relatively spur of the moment thing to stay over, combined with the fact that although I was meeting up with a couple of people for the gig, they were not people that I really knew.
It was enough to feel different.
And this morning i woke and realised that I'd been letting my life get tied up again.
Not because anyone else WANTED me to add them into the equasion, just because it had become normal to add extra people into the eqasion that is my time/work/fun/life balance.

Time to alter the balance.